Holiday Truths - Beach with Windbreak, courtesy of geograph.org.uk author Kim Burton

Imagine the picture.  It’s the first day of your holiday in the sun and you’re lying on the beach.  You look up from your book at the people around you.  You are intrigued to see that, far from relaxing in the sun, several of them seem to be involved in some sort of exotic tribal dance.

So what are these strange people doing?  Well, they are engaged in one of the oldest of holiday truths of all time – that amusing beach activity of “changing”.  But did you know that all beach “changers” fall into four categories?  Please read on to discover more..

The Hopper

Often, the Hopper is a younger person, perhaps a child or a teenager,  perhaps less experienced in the art of changing on the beach.  Because it is an art, and one that gets better with practice.  At the beginning, everything starts off very well.  The child or teenager stands up, ties a towel round the waist and off come the outer lower garments such as skirt, trousers or shorts.

So far so good, but it’s the next bit that gives the Hopper his or her name.  We’re talking about the underwear removal stage.  Because the Hopper is unable to see what’s under the towel, and because only one hand is free to grab and pull that underwear (as the other hand is holding the towel up, just to be sure), the job becomes rather tricky.

“kicking forth like a move from some lost Egyptian dance”

One side of the underwear, the grabbed side, stretches downwards, while the other grips the hip, leg and knees for all it’s worth, finally snagging unexpectedly on the foot, causing a sudden pulling of the raised leg, loss of balance, and – you guessed it – a manic hopping session as the poor victim uses every ounce of balancing skill to remain upright, keep hold of the towel and free the snagged underwear from an ankle that is now kicking forth like a move from some lost Egyptian dance.

The Wriggler

Whereas the Hopper is usually a child or teenager, the Wriggler is generally a woman, usually of a “certain age”, a lady who prefers discretion when it comes to changing on the beach.  Her aim is to change her garments without anybody noticing whatsoever that she is demeaning herself by removing her clothing in a public place, albeit temporarily.

So, the poor Wriggler sits on her towel, and then summons her husband to give up his towel so that she can wrap it around her.  The plan is that by changing in the sitting position, she can do so stealthily, with dignity and even some style.

This is a sad misconception, because the Wriggler, far from being unnoticed, is actually one of the most glaringly

Holiday Truths - Lady on the Beach, courtesy of haroldolsen.com

obvious and entertaining of all “beach changers”.  It’s a problem of physics, you see.  The Wriggler is seated on the very undergarments that she is trying to remove.  Finding that they won’t budge, she balances on one hip, then the other, whilst simultaneously pulling on the side of the underwear on the raised hip.  The friction caused by the underwear jamming against the tightly-wrapped towel only serves to make matters worse.

“catapulted as much as ten feet”

Realising that absolutely nothing is moving, the poor Wriggler gets more and more frustrated and animated in her movements, gaining the attention of more and more onlookers.  Realising she has a growing audience, she reaches a stage of desperation known as the “Wriggler’s Undoing”.  Lifting both hips into the air, she holds her towel tightly in one hand and grips the underwear hard with the other, then with an almighty pull, her knickers come free, virtually catapulted as much as ten feet across the sand as her bemused audience looks on.

The Chinner

The Chinner is in a small minority of beach changers, but this method is rapidly gaining in popularity with younger men.  Indeed, I would not be surprised to find that future writers on the subject of holiday truths may report that “chinning” has become a new word in the beach vocabulary.

“lack of rear coverage”

Usually, Chinners are men.  This sexism arises because the Chinner’s method of changing offers no protection for the chest area – or the rear.  Because of this lack of rear coverage, the Chinner is nearly always restricted to those beaches where there is a cliff, sea wall or other vertical surface that he can “back onto”.

He takes one end or even just a corner of his beach towel, and wedges it firmly under his chin, leaving the length of the towel to hang down the centre of his body in a mercilessly thin ribbon of cloth.  If you think about the mechanics of this, you will come to realise very quickly that this is a highly risky method of changing.

First of all, as humans we have a natural, instinctive urge to put our heads up continually to look for danger, like any animal. This is the first cause of peril for the Chinner.  One unthinking movement of the head, and down goes that towel revealing all!

The other peril waiting to display the Chinner’s particles in all their glory is a meteorological one.  A sudden gust of side wind can whip the bottom of the towel upwards just at the Chinner’s most naked moment, in extreme cases depositing the towel in an over-the-shoulder look, quite trendy if it were not for the nakedness beneath.

The Pretender

Now we come to the “coolest” of beach changers.  The Pretender is often a man, and will usually be a rough-and-ready, down-to-earth young adult, perhaps a member of the armed forces – or at the other end of the scale, and older, hippy-ish type.

Both of these very different groups of people have something in common when it comes to changing on the beach – basically, they just don’t care.  It’s almost as if they are “pretending”, as they change, that they are in their bedrooms at home – which of course gives the Pretender his name.

“everything is on show”

Here is what happens:  The Pretender puts down his towel, takes off his footwear, then shirt or tee shirt, then shorts or trousers, then simply whips off the underwear.  Momentarily, everything is on show for anyone to see, but because the Pretender does not have to wrestle with a towel, he can concentrate fully on the matter in hand and as a result, in no time the swimwear in position, leaving any onlookers wondering if they really did just see “that” or whether it was all wishful thinking!

Of course, there is a risk to the Pretender’s strategy.  If he uses this method on some beaches in some countries, he could find himself on an unplanned excursion to the local police station.  This is very unlikely, however, because the beauty of the Pretender’s way of doing things is that it’s a quick-change method.  By the time someone thinks of complaining, the evidence has been quite literally covered up!

I hope you enjoyed reading these Suntrap Holidays holiday truths about “beach changers”.  Please come back often because there will be more..

“dream days lived in another place”

As children, we always went away for one week, to Wales.  This meant a day’s travelling at either end, on a Saturday, and six full days of pure enjoyment!  Unless it rained..  The thing about that six days was this – it was never six days as

Holiday Truths - Time Flies, courtesy of flickr.com user: dumbledad

far as we children were concerned.  It was always two blocks of three days.  The first  three days – well – these were dream days lived in another place with not a moment’s thought about the passing of time.  But the second block of three days?  Well, this is when one of the most inescapable of holiday truths came to the fore – the half-way syndrome.

“when we’re back to normal”

As soon as we reached the evening meal on day three, the dimension of time, so thankfully absent for the first half of the holiday, would return with a vengeance.  Suddenly, all talk, every conversation, involved time.  “Well, we’re half way through the holiday now”, Dad would say.  That would start us all off.  From that moment it seemed as if every conversation started with, “When I get back I must remember to…”, or “Next week, when we’re back to normal…”  Struggle as we might, none of us could completely escape the clutches of time.

Now, as an adult, my travel arrangements are more varied.  Sometimes it’s a still week; sometimes two; sometimes a few days.  The thing is, even when I am away for two weeks, I still find myself doing that childhood thing of splitting the time in two and thinking to myself, from the end of the first week, “oh well, more than half of the holiday has gone now..”.  Then, if I’m not very careful indeed, rather than just three days being blighted, I will find that a whole week of the fortnight is affected.  As holiday truths go, this one is a killer, and I urge you to fight it – stop yourself immediately when you find yourself saying inwardly “more than half way now..”

“the other ‘arf was struggling”

Then came the Corfu incident.  It was a momentous occasion, the Corfu incident.  When this happened some five years ago, I managed to confuse my subconsciousness to the extent that I have never since suffered from the half-way syndrome and from that time onwards I have had one fewer holiday truths to cope with..

We went to Corfu for a week.  I had just finished a job and not started another one, and the other ‘arf was struggling on with a much-hated job at the time.  Well, we got to day six of our week’s holiday, and we were having a great time apart from the occasional bout of the dreaded half-way syndrome of course, which had been bothering me now and then since the end of day three as usual.  We were about to go to the beach on day six, for our final full day of  sun, and I said, in a carefully-phrased impersonal question, “I wonder how much it would cost someone to stay another week here?”

“one computer in the whole resort”

Well, that was enough of a bombshell to propel us on impulse to the nearest internet terminal (there was just ONE computer in the whole resort, in a bar on a camp site), and 90 very productive minutes later we had booked a different flight, given up the UK job in the case of my partner, and it was all systems go for a blissfully happy, totally unplanned second week’s holiday.

I spent this entire bonus second week in a state of near ecstasy, revelling in the unexpected bliss of a sudden, impulsive, extra week in the sun in Corfu.  We felt like such rebels, like naughty school children.  It was a fantastic way to banish the “half-way syndrome”, that most nagging of holiday truths, for good.

Queue jumping at check-in has to be one of the oldest holiday truths of all – as old as the package holiday itself.  But actually, common though it is – common being a particularly appropriate word in my opinion – common though it is,

Holiday Truths - Check-in, courtesy of flickr.com user: scalleja

check-in queue jumping is actually almost an art form, with many different variations.  Come with me as we take a look at a few of them.  Forewarned is forearmed, right?

Holiday Truths: The Lane-Changer

Have you ever noticed that when check-in first opens for a flight, there are sometimes only one or two desks open, then after a while, as the queues start to snake out of the terminal doors, Conchita finally finishes her coffee and reluctantly sidles over to open her desk alongside the others.

“Conchita reluctantly sidles over”

This is the very opportunity that the lane-changer has been waiting for.  He comes from the back of one of the existing queues, and virtually runs the length of it before most people have chance to even get up off their makeshift suitcase-seats, presenting himself at the newly-opened desk, oblivious to, or ignoring, the tutting and muttering behind and slightly to one side of him.

I mean, what does he think all those people are queueing for?  What twisted logic makes the lane-changer think he is actually justified in getting served before the hundreds of people who were patiently queueing long before he even arrived at the airport?

Sorry, but I’m going to have to change the subject – the blood pressure is on the way up as I even think about THAT MAN..

The “Come and Join Us!” Queue Jumping Party

I am sure that anyone who has ever been on your bog-standard charter flight will have witnessed this most annoying of holiday truths.  It’s a strange phenomenon, because it only ever happens on the return flight.  Let’s take a look:

Bill and Norma have had a great time in Corfu.  The hotel was such a fantastic place and they had such a good time making friends with Don and Betty; Mike, Sharon, the kids – and all the rest.  And, what a coincidence, they’re all headed back to Manchester on the same flight!  Here we go..

At check-in, Sharon want to go shopping, the kids want to go on the arcade games and Mike wants to go to the bar, so as soon as they get through the doors, they split up leaving poor old Bill and Norma to head for the queue at check-in, where as luck would have it, they are very near the front.

As the departure coaches arrive one after another, the queue builds up in the always-too-small Greek check-in hall, and there’s no sign of any staff arriving to open the desks.  People alternate between moaning, shuffling from one foot to another, sitting on their cases or just lying on the floor.  Then, all heads turn to the front as Bill and Norma, until now

Check-in Queue, courtesy of flickr.com user: emeryjl

looking just like any other couple, suddenly start to “cooo-eee” like demented pigeons, then shout the names of their various new holiday friends as they spot them at the end of the queue.

“like a combine harvester in a corn field”

Next, Don, Betty, Mike & Sharon, an assortment of grandparents, children and babies, at least 15 people in all, not to mention a veritable entourage of wheeled cases, buggies and hand luggage, cut a swathe through the queue like a combine harvester in a corn field, finally joining poor old Bill and Norma right at the front.  Bill and Norma, by way of an answer to the crowd of glaring faces, simply say “oh, no – they’re not pushing in – they’re with us”.

So that’s OK then..

As holiday truths go, it’s a real pain, and I have this vision of the ultimate version, where one solitary person is waiting in the queue, and just as check-in opens, a whole plane-load of “friends” comes to join him as described above, only to realise that they have gained nothing because there was nobody left to push in front of!

“cold grey dawn faces”

The reason that you never see this phenomenon on the outbound flight is that it is dependent on a certain stage of friendship – specifically, that honeymoon period where you have just met, bonded, and seen all the positive sides to your new holiday friends and none of the negatives.  In other words, you’re keen to do them a favour – impress them with your generosity.  On the way out, there is no such bonhomie – just cold grey dawn faces.

The Bag Trick

The story I am about to relate to you, of queue jumping at a Greek airport that I witnessed a few years ago, is almost unbelievable for its sheer bare-faced cheek.

Holiday Truths - Check in Queues, courtesy of commons.wikimedia.org user: Toen96

A man sidled up to the front of the queue, and without saying a word literally threw a big duffel bag down on the floor right in front of the first person in the queue, into the gap between the “red line” and the desk, and then very quickly walked off and out of sight of the queue.  I then spent a few nervous minutes wondering if I should find a member of security staff to tell them about the unattended bag.

“muttering mob”

Anyway, before I acted on that thought, the man returned after about five minutes and, bold as brass, stood right next to his bag at the front of the queue, staying there until check-in opened, at which point, with not even a glance at the muttering mob behind him, he walked forward to be served first.

This worked, it seemed to me, because of people’s natural reluctance to engage in conflict.  The man was about 30 or 35 and somewhat rough-looking, and clearly the people who had rightfully been at the front of the queue had no intention of confronting him.  They just muttered between themselves as the man faced the front and ignored them completely.

This tactic is definitely not recommended for several reasons.  Firstly, and most importantly, leaving your bag unattended could lead to a security alert and you would be in hot water if that happened, to say the least.  Secondly, it is just plain antisocial to queue jump like this – I mean, using your physical prowess or the threat of it to gain an unfair advantage over your fellow man is about as low as you can stoop.

So that man, if you are reading this, take note – on some level at least, you did NOT get away with it.

These are but three of the many, inescapable airport holiday truths.  Come back to Suntrap Holidays often, because we’ve got lots more to tell you about – and some of it you just won’t believe!

“the oldest of air travel holiday truths”

Now really, each person should only lay claim to ONE armrest.  In economy class, there really is only one armrest per person plus one left over – this is one of oldest of air travel holiday truths, and everyone knows it – but some people

Holiday Truths - Airline Seating, courtesy of flickr.com user: mattimattila

just sort of “pretend” to forget it!  Either that, or they decide that THEY are going to be the one person in the row who gets the TWO armrests while everyone else gets one.

For example, say there is a row of three seats, like in an Airbus A320 or a Boeing 737.  The person in the window seat may say to himself: “If I use both armrests first, the person in the middle can use the armrest towards the aisle, and then the person in the aisle can use the armrest on the aisle side too”.  The problem is that the person sitting in the aisle may reason, “I’m taking both armrests, and the person next to me can use the armrest on the window side, and the person in the window can also lean towards the window and use the armrest that side”.  This can leave the poor person in the middle with NO armrest at all!

“trolley traffic whizzing past”

In my opinion, the fairest thing is based on the ergonomic advantages and disadvantages that naturally come with certain seats.  The window seat has the physical advantage that you have the side of the plane to lean against, whereas the aisle seat has a physical disadvantage that you have trolley traffic whizzing past – traffic that can crunch into your elbow if you dare to actually use the armrest aisle-side.  Therefore, I think the only fair thing is for the window-seat passenger to use the armrest window-side; the middle passenger also to use the armrest on the outer, window-side, leaving the aisle seat passenger free to use the armrest away from the aisle too.  That way, everyone gets one usable, window-side armrest and the aisle seat passenger gets to keep his elbow in one piece.

“Two-Armrest Tommy”

Unfortunately, not everyone sees the world this way, which brings me to the subject of unspoken “armrest negotiations”.  I have repeatedly been forced to enter into these silent, physical negotiations, finding myself wedged in the middle of a three-seat row with an ignorant “Two-Armrest Tommy” on either side.  It’s one of the most annoying of holiday truths, because after a while, in the face of increasing backache and annoyance, you can find that your “holiday

Holiday Truths - Armrests Down, courtesy of flickr.com user: dannysullivan

mood” evaporates into – well into a plain old mood!  This is what I do to put things right and claim back my armrest:

“shell suit-covered ankle”

Out of the corner of my eye, I watch and I wait.  I wait for my window-seat neighbour to make a move.  In particular, I am waiting for him to lean forward, or move his arm momentarily away from the rear section of the armrest.  This could be when he makes a grab for the in-flight magazine, or leans forward to unlace his trainers, scratch a shell suit-covered ankle, whatever.  The point is, these moves leave the rear part of the armrest exposed – and it is at this precise moment that I make my move.

“sudden physical contact”

Leaning back into my seat as far as I can, I wedge my elbow onto the free section of armrest as my unsuspecting victim leans forward, being extremely careful not to touch him.  Then, I either close my eyes as if sleeping, or I read the in-flight magazine as intently as I can pretend to.  Next, when the victim leans back and attempts to reclaim the rear of the armrest – he finds to his surprise that my elbow is wedged there!  What can he do?  The sudden physical contact is usually enough to cause an immediate recoil, followed by the sinking realisation that he has been out-manoeuvred!  Usually, sometimes after a short stand-off when his elbow is wedged against mine, he gives in, often removing his arm from the armrest altogether, allowing me to discreetly, but rapidly, lower my forearm onto the entire rest, before he can change his mind.

I have no guilt about this.  I am just reclaiming what any decent neighbour would recognise was rightfully mine under the unspoken laws of air travel holiday truths.

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